the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?