Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.