The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
If you know, you know
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB