Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?