Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

🥲

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Well, this certainly took a turn

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!