The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn