The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
He just like my cat fr