@juneohara65

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

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@pbear79

If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.

@NicestHippo

She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]

@PatsATweetin

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

@BradBroaddus

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

@LOsepyan

If you play a NIickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you’ll hear NIickelback

@envydatropic

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

@Grommit56

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

@iamdevloper

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?