If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
If you play a NIickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you’ll hear NIickelback
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?