The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

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If you have a gluten allergy I feel bad for you son.

I got 99 pizzas and you can’t eat one.


She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]


dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks


My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.


If you play a NIickelback song backwards you’ll hear messages from the illuminant.Even worse, if you play it forward you’ll hear NIickelback


I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit


Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.


Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?