Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]