The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Childbirth is so beautiful
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand