The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.