The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
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Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register