Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are