The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
What about a To-Don’t List?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call