The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
You Might Also Like
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.