The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
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I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”