Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it