The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
You Might Also Like
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*