Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare