The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
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SCARY COSTUME
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.