The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
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doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
Beware of fowl play.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.