Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

i want enemies

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.