The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
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When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.