The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
where do you see yourself in five years?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael