Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

having children is a pyramid scheme.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.