The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
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My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Social distancing in Australia:
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Before & after 😅
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
all that yoga finally paid off
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.