Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

He-man has a Masters degree

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.