The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
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I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.