The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
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Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out