The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
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10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Ion see the issue
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Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.