Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

If I make my 3yo a ham sandwich he won’t touch it but if I make myself a ham sandwich he’s gotta have the entire thing

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.