The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
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Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Found my door mat
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit