The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
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Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.