Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One venti cheeseburger please.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

💀

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude