The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
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Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!