Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a type: disappointing

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

*has no idea what a book even is*

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.