Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

i’m still crying at this

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.