the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Showerkraut
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes