The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
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this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do