Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

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5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

Got a light

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

being a writer on Twitter:

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

broke down and did it

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…