Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

I beg your pardon?

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword