The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
emergency phone
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
🤣😂🤣
