The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
mom gave me mine for free
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
When you try jalapeños for the first time
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over