Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?