The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?