Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

🤭😂

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

what’s more important?

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.