The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Just how popey was the pope today?
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“Why you watching this shit?”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Bootstraps
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together