The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
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My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Breaking news:
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Don’t touch that.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…