The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
You Might Also Like
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I鈥檓 seeing I think they鈥檙e teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My son works part time at McDonald鈥檚 and did a shift today. I asked him, as it鈥檚 Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he鈥檚 adopted.
Baby I鈥檓 gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
They say the longer you鈥檙e married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other鈥檚 iPhones using face ID.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 馃檨
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
no one ever comes back
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can鈥檛 unsee it
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
