The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
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For anyone who needs this today
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No