The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
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Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
hand it over!
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Still my favorite headline of all time:
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second