Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Pot warmers of the day.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please