Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.