the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”