The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Body by Oreos
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Rt to bother an English speaker
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
yall want some gasoline milk
