The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
You Might Also Like
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”