The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
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May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Do not steal food from the science building!
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting