The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
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They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
no one likes gloating
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?