The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.