The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
you stereotypes are all alike
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!