Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.