Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.