Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s