The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
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Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
S/o to @funTweeters .
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN