The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first