The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?