The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
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My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation