The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
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I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
see next tweet for some translations
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Bit chilly again tonight.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores