The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
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Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
pelicons
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Basically, any European coat of arms:
