The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
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i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
Science memes
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.