Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Meat Cute
Yup.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…