@rudetanks

The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything

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@tealbluejay

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

@matt___nelson

ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
ME: ugh
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@Vodkantots

A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”

@ElleOhHell

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

@AngryRaccoon2

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

@Ideal_Victoria

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

@AthenaMystique

Canadians have to stick together.

Really, it’s the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don’t have much of a choice.