the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
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Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
