The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
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I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
grotesque if literal: baby food
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.