The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
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Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
So sick of all these stupid rules
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!