Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.